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CONTENTS
AN EXCERPT: THE REWARDS Jerry and Susan lived down the street from Marge. Until six months ago, they had known each other only in passing. Then Marge heard through the neighborhood grapevine that Susan had Alzheimer's. Wondering if she could be any help, Marge dropped by and found Jerry eager to talk. He said Susan had done a marvelous job of hiding her symptoms, and he admitted that he had been in denial for years. So now he found himself the caregiver for a wife well into the moderate stage of Alzheimer's. Before long, Marge became Jerry's unofficial mentor. One day he phoned her, "I've got a question. In the books and pamphlets about caregiving, sometimes it says, 'Being a caregiver is rewarding.' But they never list what the rewards are. Maybe the talk about rewards is just a nice sentiment, but nothing more." "So what is your question?" " I know it sounds selfish, but what are the rewards for us caregivers?" "That's a good question--but a tough one. Give me some time to think about it." The next morning Marge dropped by at Jerry's. As he added cream to her coffee, she pulled out a sheet of paper. "I've been thinking about your question, and here is a list I came up with." "Good." "Reward Number One: Laughter. "Laughter? All I want to do is cry." "Please hear me out. Caregiving includes many surprises. Objects hidden in the strangest places. Absurd answers to simple questions. Rather than bemoan Susan's fading memory, learn to laugh--not at her, of course--but at the absurd things that happen." "Like when Susan met my boss at a party and mistook him for her high school basketball coach. At the time I was upset, but it was sort of funny," Jerry chuckled. "Did he fire you?" "No, he was very understanding." "Then laugh about it," Marge concluded. "Ready for Number Two?" "Shoot." "You get to treasure the past. This happens two ways. First, when Susan in her clear moments reminisces with you about the good times, savor the details. It may be the last chance to share that memory together." "I see what you mean." "The second way occurred for me when Richard would be off reliving some distant event. At first, I tried to wrench him back to the present. But then I learned to join him in the past." "What do you mean?" "I would simply chat with him as though I were there with him. He usually accepted me as a fellow participant in the event he was recalling. It was kind of surreal, but at least I got to share in his memories." Jerry offered her a slice of banana bread. "You're really giving me a lot to think about, Marge. What's next? "Reward Number Three: Appreciation of little things. As Susan becomes able to comprehend only one thing at a time, help her focus on the simple pleasures of life. A sunset, a flower-- "A back rub?" "Why not?" "Good, Susan loves back rubs. I rarely found time to give her one before. Now I do, and we both enjoy it." "Reward Number Four: Mental stimulation. With constant new challenges and problems, caregiving is anything but boring." "Isn't that the truth," Jerry agreed. "I used to pride myself on my creativity and flexibility at work. It was nothing compared to caring for Susan." "Reward Number Five: Learning how deep love is." "Explain that one." "Our contemporary culture tells us that love lasts only as long as love is personally fulfilling and sensually gratifying. But when I reviewed the list of things that the person I love should provide for me, I realized it was simply a list of all the things that Richard could no longer contribute to our relationship. And still my love for him hadn't died." Jerry pulled out a handkerchief. "You're getting to me." "I'm sorry." "Please, don't apologize." He dried his eyes. "Are there more?" "Yes. Reward Number Six: Patience. Alzheimer's constantly highlights our own inadequacies. We don't have the internal resources to endure the constant stress, frustration, and sorrow. So we have to learn to depend on God one day at a time. And He always comes through." Jerry remained silent. Since he had no church background, God was a pretty unknown concept to him. "Last of all, Reward Number Seven: Facing mortality." "That's a reward?" She lifted her coffee mug and asked, "Jerry, did you know that everyone who drinks coffee dies?" Jerry's face registered "Huh?" for a moment. Then he laughed, "I get it. And everyone who eats banana bread dies. That's funny, Marge." "Behind the joke is a reality: Someday my obituary will appear in the paper." "And you won't be there to read it." "Nope. Alzheimer's forced us to face questions like: Where is Richard going? Where am I going? Will we ever meet again? On the other side of death will I find the judgment of God or His mercy?" "You've got nothing to worry about there, Marge. If there is a God, for sure He's gonna reward you for the years of unselfish care you gave Richard." "I once thought that way, but I don't any more." "Why not?" "When Richard was diagnosed, our questions led us to a church where the Bible is taught. It was so foreign at first. We hadn't been in a church for years, and we'd never read the Bible before." "I'm not into that either." "I know you aren't." She paused and looked him in the eye. "Jerry, we've become good friends, and I don't want to offend you or be pushy, but I'd love to tell you what Richard and I learned. May I?" "Go ahead. What happened?" "First, we learned that God is a caregiver, sincere but often misunderstood." "Now you've piqued my curiosity." "As caregivers we do what's best for our loved ones, protecting them from a thousand dangers, but due to their limitations, they don't understand. They get agitated and angry. We get shoved and yelled at." "I've been there." "So has God. All He wants is to give us His love and care, but we squawk about Him infringing on our lives and making us feel guilty. As I studied the Bible and cared for Richard, I understood God's concern for us. He sees our bad deeds and warns about eternal punishment, only because He wants us to avoid the punishment." "How? Does God just forgive and forget?" "No. God doesn't have Alzheimer's. He is aware of all our faults. But just as your love for Susan spurs you into action, God the Father's love for us spurred Him to send His Son, Jesus Christ, to earth to rescue us. You see, God doesn't forget our sins--He covers them." "Covers them with what?" Jerry asked. "With the blood of Christ. Jesus Christ is a care bearer. The eternal punishment we deserved was carried by Jesus. As He died on the cross, He was paying the price for all our sins. You know, Jerry, Alzheimer's generates lots of guilt. Richard felt guilty about not doing more with his abbreviated life. I felt guilty for losing my patience with him and for feeling sorry for myself." "Me too," Jerry agreed, biting his lip. "Well, as Richard and I learned the true meaning of Jesus' death, we suddenly saw that all our failures and guilt were lifted from us by a loving, caregiving God. He doesn't just forget our sins, but covers them with the blood of His own Son." "I never heard it explained this way before." "But I haven't gotten to the best part. Jesus returned alive from the grave. That means that Alzheimer's is not the end. For a person who admits their wrong and trusts in Jesus' blood to cover their sin, death isn't the end of life, it's only the beginning." "This is too good to be true." "It is so good, Richard and I believed it is true. The hope of living with God forever in heaven gave us the strength to live with Alzheimer's. So, you see, God has thought of everything. He cleanses the past, ennobles the present, and insures the future." Marge pulled a paper out of her purse. "I'd like to show you my prized possession." Jerry took Richard's 42nd anniversary love letter. He read the beginning silently, but was compelled to speak the closing sentences aloud:
"Whose tears marbled this paper?" asked Jerry. "First Richard's, later mine. Tears of joyful hope." "Susan and I need tears like that." "Jerry, the Lord is your caregiver, care bearer, and care lifter. Simply rest in His promises and be His care-receiver."  CONTENTS A. Perils
B. Plan
C. Principle
AN EXCERPT: What Is a Time Embezzler? Cary manages the finances of a business. One day a personal emergency arose. She needed $10,000 pronto and couldn't secure the money anywhere. In desperation she shifted 10 G's of business funds to her private bank account. Problem solved. We call such a transaction embezzlement, fleecing, filching, bilking, or dipping into the till. But no matter what you call it, embezzlement is a crime. Okay, but what is time embezzlement? Well, you've heard the maxim "Time is money and money is time," right? With this in mind, use your imagination.
Time embezzlement occurs when people "borrow" from one account to pay excessive use of time elsewhere. It happens many ways.
Does this practice sound familiar to you?
ANOTHER EXCERPT: Realistic Time Budgeting 1. Estimate your Basic Living Expenditures. This consists of the activities everyone has to do: sleep, eat, bathe, dress, and deal with miscellaneous stuff (like scanning your mail, answering the phone, or simply daydreaming). Estimating time for miscellaneous things adds accuracy to your Basic Living Expenditures figure. Time spent in basic life activities varies a little for each person. I'll show my figures on the left as an example. You jot yours on the right.
2. Calculate your Time Available. Subtract your Basic Living Expenditures from 168, the number of hours in a week. For me that's 168-81=87 hours. Compute your figure: 168 - _______ = _______ Time Available This is how many hours you have remaining for your five time accounts. 3. Use a To Do List. This includes all your time accounts: work, family, household, community, and self-care. Many folks plan only their work activities, so by default they leave the rest of their life disorganized. This would be like meticulously balancing your check book while completely ignoring your savings account, credit card account, etc. Use as a model the blank To Do List printed near the back of this booklet. Eventually, you will design your own To Do List to reflect your lifestyle. When I worked in a factory, my work account required only two lines: 40 hours for punching the clock and 2 hours for commuting. When I was Mr. Mom, my household account expanded. 4. Estimate the time needed to complete each item on your To Do List. This may sound tedious, but if you don't estimate how long your tasks will last, you can't begin to allot your time accurately. Even guessing is better than having no idea at all. After a few weeks, you'll become pretty accurate. Ever heard of The 90/10 Principle? It goes like this: "The first 90% of a project requires 90% of your time. The remaining 10% of the task takes the second 90% of your time." Translation: Things usually take longer than expected, so make your time estimates generous. 5. Add up the total time required in each time account. Enter the total in the "Needed" space. 6. Estimate how many hours you have available for each of your different time accounts. Enter the amounts in the "Available" space. This step is like dividing your pay check to cover different financial needs. The amounts will vary each week according to your situation. Remember, the total of the five accounts cannot exceed the "Time Available" which you calculated in Step 2 above. 7. Compare your "Needed" amounts with your "Available" amounts. If "Needed" is equal to or less than the time available, you will live within your time budget. Often "Needed" is higher than "Available." To live within your means, you must adjust your plans until they are realistic.
A THIRD EXCERPT: Time--Quantity and Quality What drives us to speed down the tracks? The answer appears in these lyrics by a band named Prodigal.
Do you hear the yearning for more time? When we are children, time flows like molasses. As a teen, time saunters. In our adult years the pace picks up. Before we know it, the controls of life seem stuck on fast forward like a cassette tape accelerating to an abrupt halt. Even though we try to avoid thinking about it, the certainty of death makes life seem like a cruel trick. We also yearn for quality of time. We want to achieve our dreams and count for something. Have you seen the film Chariots of Fire? In one of the most poignant scenes, a young sprinter questions himself prior to running the 100-meter dash in the Olympics. With a sigh he says something like, "I have but ten lonely seconds to justify my existence." Like that runner, we long to leave a mark before we pass on. We take up challenge after challenge to justify our existence. This is why we are so prone to become an express train of over commitment: We long for more time, and we long to prove our worth. Our desire for more time is the major theme of Blade Runner, a science fiction movie starring Harrison Ford. In this futuristic film, bionic engineers have invented humanoids, beings which look human but are used as slaves. In order to keep the humanoids from rebelling, they were designed to die within four years. One particular humanoid escapes. Realizing his four years are almost up, he breaks into the high-security, penthouse apartment of the scientist who designed the humanoids. Standing before his maker, the humanoid demands, "Give me more life!" "I can't," is the reply. The humanoid proposes several technological methods to extend his life. The scientist coldly fields each suggestion and explains why it will fail. Finally, the humanoid grasps the awful truth--his maker didn't design him to live, but to die. So what does he do? He murders his maker. And we can hardly blame him. The message of this film is insightful. A creator who can only give life for a while is a failure. If God cannot give life that lasts forever, He doesn't deserve to live! Has the God of the Bible only created us for a brief, pointless existence? Or can He grant us what we long for: life without end and filled with purpose? Believe it or not, your Creator--who already provides your weekly allowance of 168 hours--is eager to supply you with more quantity of time and quality of time. CONTENTS
AN EXCERPT: Low Self-Esteem and Depression Everyone had a hard time getting along with Ellen, because they considered her a know-it-all who bickered about everything. No one was more tired of Ellen than her sister-in-law Becky. When it happened that these two had to take a long road trip together, Becky dreaded being trapped next to gabby, crabby Ellen for days on end. However, since Becky had no other options, on the first day of the trip she decided to try listening to what Ellen had to say. Becky was surprised. Ellen actually seemed to be knowledgeable on many topics. "You didn't even graduate from high school," Becky said. "Where did you learn all this?" "From reading books and talking to experts," Ellen replied. Then she ventured, "Do you really think I know what I'm talking about?" "It sounds good to me." After that Becky enjoyed the trip immensely. Since she didn't dispute Ellen's ideas, Ellen didn't argue with her. In fact, by the end of the trip Ellen was no longer the abrasive, critical woman she had been before. The night before they parted, Becky asked, "Why did you always argue with people before?" "I guess it was because my father always criticized me and called me an idiot. I wouldn't argue because I thought I was smart, but because I assumed everyone thought I was stupid." "And," added Becky, "it wasn't until now that someone finally listened patiently, encouraged you, and helped you overcome your low self-esteem. Ellen, I'm sorry I misjudged you for so long." When we think negatively about ourselves, we become susceptible to depression. Ellen had lived under a cloud of depression for years due to her father's harsh criticism. What might be other causes of low self-esteem?
Still other people lose self-esteem when they fail to live up to their own standard of right and wrong. Seeing the gap between what they ought to be and what they are, they sink into the quicksand of depression. Some psychologists try to explain away such guilt by blaming it on religion. Patients are told, "Just give up your strict standard of ethics, and then the accusations and guilt will disappear." Such advice fails to provide a true remedy for guilt. Usually people feel guilty because they are guilty. After they do something which hurts others, they feel distressed and depressed. Such real guilt will not go away by ignoring it. It can only be erased by forgiveness. And the only one who can obtain true forgiveness for us is Jesus Christ. He suffered on the cross of Calvary, not for His own sins, but for yours and mine. The Bible says Christ "was pierced for our transgression, he was crushed for our iniquities" (Isaiah 53:5). If you humbly accept the pardon Christ has won for you, you are truly free from guilt. You don't simply wish guilt away. Christ washes it away! "Okay," some may argue, "maybe God forgives me, but how can I ever forgive myself?" "The sacrifice Christ made was sufficient to satisfy the conscience of God, your Holy Father. Isn't Christ's death, therefore, enough to satisfy your conscience? Or is your conscience more holy than God's? Must God send His Son again to die for the accusations of your over-demanding conscience? Isn't one crucifixion enough? Of course it is! Folks who refuse to forgive themselves are worshiping an idol, the idol of the "me-that-can-never-be." They are like a little girl who has dropped her china doll and broken it. Her mother carefully repairs it, but the little girl refuses to take it back, because it has cracks in it. Instead of being happy that she has her doll back, all she can think about is that it isn't perfect anymore.1 We are all like that doll. Our lives are cracked and broken by sin. Christ offers us back to ourselves, repaired and whole. He assures us that He esteems us highly. So don't reject His help by refusing to forgive yourself. To Order These Booklets You may order 1 copy for free. Larger orders are 40 cents each. These booklets are published and distributed by Lutheran Hour Ministries, and evangelistic media mission. Web site: http//www.lhm.org.
Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. |